


The Biggest Oak Tree

by sleepysweaters



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Alternate Universe - Everyone Lives/Nobody Dies, Anxiety, Comforting, Depression, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicidal Thoughts, Verbal Abuse, before the musical, connor is depressed too, evan is depressed
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-16
Updated: 2017-07-16
Packaged: 2018-12-03 03:46:58
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,487
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11523885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sleepysweaters/pseuds/sleepysweaters
Summary: Evan wanders the forest, letting his thoughts consume him only to let his suicidal tendencies get the best of him.  He runs through the trees like his thoughts run through his mind until he sees Connor Murphy sitting at the base of Evan's favorite tree.





	The Biggest Oak Tree

Evan knew everyone judged him for everything he did. He felt their watchful eyes always picking him apart like she did. He couldn’t do class presentations, and Jared wouldn’t stop bringing up that English presentation from the previous school year.

He remembered the only person who didn’t laugh was Connor. The brunette gave him a soft smile with a thumbs up, and that’s what drove Evan to not believe Jared with all the terrible comments he made about the depressed kid. Connor seemed to be in the same boat as Evan, but the blonde wasn’t going to force his way into anyone’s life.

He admired Connor every day of junior year, because the kid sat across from him. Connor didn’t seem as angry during that period. He left little notes on Evan’s graded homework about where to find cool trees.

That’s how Evan ended up coming to the national park, falling in love with every tree he saw. The park was somewhere for his mind to spread out till the thoughts no longer taunted him on repeat.

His mom wanted him to be outgoing, do something to help him think better. So he became a ranger at the park, and he spoke about trees all the time. Sometimes he saw Connor travel into the park, and would randomly ask Evan about a certain tree he was trying sketch.

So Evan did his job, and rambled on about the history of the tree and how the branches look as well as the wood. (He didn’t know that Connor only came here to hear the blonde’s rambling to calm down from a lash out.)

The forest was there for Evan, and he was there for it. He knew almost every tree in the park, but no one knew that he would walk around as he spoke aloud to allow him to properly think. It was almost as if he had a friendship with the trees. Even if this little gig he had was supposed to help him, it didn’t. 

Evan found himself wandering the forest all alone, and sometimes his thoughts would all scream at the same time. Ever since his grandmother came to town, he had been out of it.

She was being verbally abusive again, but he knew that it couldn’t be helped. He was pathetic, she was rich, and he had to just take the blow. Heidi told him how much he meant to her, but it stopped feeling like that after a while. It finally felt as if he was the stepping stone for his mother to get money, and that she only kept him around for his grandmother to have a punching bag.

He found himself constantly having breakdowns in the forest, curled up next to the trees; his only friends. Jared refused to be there for him, and Evan was finally all alone. He considered Connor a friend, but he wasn’t going to ask the other for reassurance.

Evan had been crying all that morning, and now he was wandering through the trees. His mind was cluttered with thoughts of suicide. Sure, it wasn’t the only answer, but it was the only way for him to never see his grandmother ever again. Sunlight streamed through the trees, making his arms warm up. Then he wondered what it feel like to be covered in sunlight.

His body started running before his mind could process what he was doing. There was a 50 foot tree that he could climb to make everything fall away. That’s when the comments started hitting him.

“No one loves you.”  
“You’re the reason why you’re father left your mother.”  
“Stop crying, you’re acting like a little bitch.”  
“You’re disgusting and ugly. Why do you look like him?”  
“God, Evan, just shut the hell up. No one wants to hear what you have to say, it’s pointless.”

Tears were streaming down his face as he ran, and then he saw a familiar brunette. Evan slowed down to see Connor was sitting at the base of the biggest oak tree. He was just drawing, headphones in his ears, and looking beautiful.

His brunette hair appeared to be auburn in the sunlight, and when his eyes looked up at Evan; they were crystal. Connor smiled at the blonde boy, earning a small wave.

“You just going to stare? Or do you want to sit next to me?” Connor asked and Evan hurried over the other boy. He sat down on a blue blanket Connor had, and the brunette looked up at the leaves of the tree.

“This is an oak tree, I can tell you some facts. I mean only if you want to, but like it’s understandable if you don’t want to because no one actually likes trees but me,” Evan rambled and Connor placed a hand over the boy’s mouth.

“Take a moment to just breathe, you’re crying,” Connor said softly as he took his hand away from Evan’s face and began to sketch again.

Evan saw that the brunette had been sketching him as he ran over the tree. It looked like Evan looked better than he actually did while he ran. The lines were messy, but then Connor started to clean them up.

“What’s the matter, Hansen?” Connor asked as he continued to sketch, he didn’t look up and Evan was thankful for that. The brunette did this to him during English, speaking to him without eye contact.

“Just, uh, walking around. Looking at my friends, wait no, I mean trees, haha, it’s a little warm today,” Evan said, pulling at his collar.

“It’s 60 degrees today, you’re just nervous.”

That comment made the blonde feel more at ease. Connor somehow understood how Evan needed to go through things, and needed to hear that he was just nervous. Reassurance was key to everything for the blonde.

“It’s so beautiful here,” Evan said as his head hit the tree. The sunlight pouring through the branches made his face feel warm and refreshed, almost like his fantasy earlier. The wind was blowing his hair ever so slightly, and he felt at ease.

“It’s beautiful just like you,” Connor said nonchalantly, making Evan jump at the statement. Connor was still sketching, but now he wore a smirk.

“Are you saying today is horrendous?” Evan asked, pure curiosity in his voice. Connor looked up at the boy, to see if there was any trace of joking, but there was only seriousness.

“No, it’s beautiful just like you,” Connor said and Evan just looked flabbergasted. Like the comment had flipped his entire world upside down. “Do you not know you’re beautiful?”

“I mean, I guess I’m average. You know, no one talks to me, because, oh um, well because, I don’t, well I do, but I,” Evan paused. He took deep breath in letting himself relax. “No, I’m not beautiful.”

“Why do you say that?”

“I grew up being told that.”

“By who?”

“It doesn’t even matter, I mean she was right, so like haha doesn’t matter. I was just taught to accept it, because like your family tells only the truth, right? They always tell you the truth,” Evan said before sobbing. Connor pulled him in an embrace, rubbing his back and trying to help him calm down.

“It’s okay, Evan, it’s okay. I know how you feel, don’t worry; I’m here for you,” Connor said as Evan’s gripped the brunette’s black hoodie. 

Someone was actually holding on to him. For the first time in years, Evan felt like someone wasn’t there to rip him to shreds. He held on with all his might, because what if Connor disappeared into thin air? Evan couldn’t be left alone again, he didn’t know what he’d do without this light source holding onto him.

“My parents tell me how pathetic I am, and how I’m a disappointment. How me trying to kill myself is an attention seeking mechanism, but it’s not. I’m just tired of hearing how terrible I am, and how the family would be better without me,” Connor sobbed into Evan’s hair.

“We can be fucked up together,” Evan said, there was a laugh in his voice. The tension was so high, but neither of them tried to loosen their grip on the other.

After five minutes of holding onto one another, they separated. The blonde looked over at the brunette, sunlight dancing in his eyes. Connor wiped away his tears, looking over at the other boy. His eyes were clear, and there was light in them from finally opening up.

“You’re the beautiful one, Connor,” Evan said dreamily. His eyes jumped all over Connor; from his black outfit to the way his cheekbones looked.

“No, I promise I’m not,” Connor said, his hair fell in his face so Evan couldn’t see him blush. No one was that kind to him, so what are you supposed to say in that situation? He really didn’t want the blonde to know that he felt happy at the compliment.

Evan somehow ended up laying in Connor’s lap, staring up at the boy. He didn’t care that the only thing on his mid was Connor, because he had already experienced it before. That English presentation had scarred him, but the soft smile the brunette had melted the blonde.

“You know, I’ve always thought you were pretty,” Evan blurted out and Connor was full on blushing now. The blonde wasn’t sure why, but found it cute.

“I mean, you’re prettier than me.”

“My grandmother would say otherwise. I’m worthless according to her,” Evan said with an awkward laugh. Part of him hated sharing that with Connor, but there was no look of being annoyed.

“Fuck her, you are a beautiful boy, and you mean something,” Connor said angrily, and for once his outburst hadn’t scared Evan. Maybe it was because part of him agreed.

He wasn’t sure how that part agreed when he had come out here to kill himself since the comments were getting too much. She was back in town, and here to stay until summer was over. So instead of waiting for the season to be over, he was going to end it himself.

“Thank you.” It was a soft acceptance to the compliment, but Connor took it. He would take anything Evan gave him, because Evan meant the world to him.

“You know, I really like you,” Connor said, he wasn’t going to subtle about it. He just told the boy from his junior English class that he was being verbally abused, what was confessing going to do?

“I really like you too,” Evan said, his eyes closed. He was so happy in this moment, feeling another person letting him be close to them. Hearing their sweet voice echo in his empty mind.

“I mean like in a boyfriend way.”

“Me too, you’re really pretty, Connor Murphy,” Evan said before tugging the hood of Connor’s jacket down. His head followed, and the two kissed.

Evan moved his lips, then Connor followed his lead. It was a simple kiss, something to confirm to both of them that it was a real moment. If Evan hadn’t been on a weird sort of high, then he wouldn’t be acting like this.

He would be in a shell, afraid of the world once again, but he was here with Connor. It was almost like a security blanket was wrapped around him, helping him feel safe. The world was a scary place, just like English class, but having Connor there helped him to not be so scared.

“I’ve wanted to do that since sophomore year,” Connor breathed out, and Evan smiled at the brunette. He seemed breathless and happy.

It was a foreign smile to Connor, one where all Evan’s teeth were visible and looked like he was about to laugh happily. Then fingers went up to play with the tips of Connor’s hair.

“Is it normal to love a boy you don’t talk to?” Evan asked and Connor smiled down at him.

“I think we’re talking right now, so I would say it’s pretty normal.”

“Thanks, for comforting me earlier,” Evan said and Connor shrugged at that. He was acting like it was no big deal, but the blonde knew the other boy had sobbed with him.

“It’s nothing, just tree bro things,” Connor said jokingly. Evan got it since they were under a tree and were ‘bros’.

“I was coming out here to kill myself, and then you engulfed me into your arms without question. You held me together,” Evan whispered and Connor gave him a sad smile.

“You held me together without even touching me, Hansen. I’d think about seeing you in English, and I somehow found a way to make it through the day.”

“We’re being sappy, how disgusting,” Evan joked, about to get up when Connor laid him back into his lap. It was a gentle hand guiding him by pushing down on his chest. Connor wasn’t ready for the moment to end.

“Please be my boyfriend,” Connor said, but there was a slightly questioning to it. Evan wasn’t sure if it was a question or a demand.

“You don’t like me, I’m broken. My anxiety drives me to become depressed, and then I attempt to kill myself before backing out. I’m a chicken, and can’t do anything properly. I imagine I’ll fuck up being a boyfriend.”

“You’re right, I don’t like you. I’m in love with you, and don’t ask how. You sat across from me in English, doodling little trees all over a piece of blank paper. There were always new song lyrics on my graded papers from you. Sometimes you’d get so into a book that your eyebrows would scrunch up and then they’d go back to normal and a huge smile covered your face. Your anxiety rules your life, but I know you, Evan. I swear I do,” Connor stated and Evan looked up at the brunette with amazement.

“Okay.”

“Wait, we’re dating?”

“Yeah, I want to date a boy who is marvelous like you.”

“So, you’re gay?”

“No, I’m bi, but I really like boys,” Evan said before closing his eyes and melting into Connor again. He liked it right here, because it felt safe.

The words that his grandmother spoke weren’t here, because Connor didn’t excuse her behavior like everyone else. No one was paying him to pretend everything was okay, and it brought peace to the scene. Everything felt warm, bright, and loving for the first time in a really long time. Connor was there to help Evan, and Evan was there to help Connor.

Together, they were safe and happy. The world didn’t seem so cruel or hard, but small and soft in the park. The birds chirping above them were almost like a song on the radio, their song. Their little spot under the biggest oak tree in the forest was their safe place; their world.

**Author's Note:**

> it's been a hot ass second since I posted. This took a while to write due to going to con & preparing for school shit.


End file.
